Callin' It Like It Is - I’M DOIN’ IT MYSELF

They dumped a hundred and two truckloads of dirt in my backyard as they were cleaning out the ditches along my road.

My lawn went from ?slight slope? to ?ski hill for suicidal squirrels.?

Five piles left at the end.

Big ones.

Judgmental ones.

I wasn?t gonna complain.

I?m cheap, not ungrateful.

So I did what any financially responsible idiot would do.

I rented a Bobcat.

The guy explained the controls.

I nodded like I understood anything.

I didn?t!

I drove that thing into my house, scared my car, and almost invented a new insurance category.

Then I hit the dirt pile at full speed like I was auditioning for Dukes of Hazard: Construction Edition.

All four tires left the ground.

Gravity laughed.

Spent the first hour flipping the fuckin? thing back upright.

Moved less dirt than I did with a shovel.

Confidence was already dead.

Later, I drove to the edge of the bank with a full bucket.

Hands steer.

Feet lift bucket.

My coordination is like pushing a baby out my ass.

Bucket kept going up.

Bobcat kept going forward.

Next thing I know, I?m hanging upside down like a Walmart bat, screaming in a pitch I haven?t used since puberty.

Twenty seven minutes.

Then I realized?

Lower the bucket.

Lawn now looks like a motocross track designed by a drunk goat.

Garage idea cancelled.

Dirt stays.

Bobcat betrayed me.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!