Callin' It Like It Is - DRUNK NINJA FAILS HIS MISSION

You ever try sneakin? into your house drunk?

Shit, it?s like tryin? to defuse a bomb with boxing gloves on.

You?re half in the bag, tryin? to walk straight, whisperin? to yourself, ?Play it cool, no one will know.?

Meanwhile, you?re swayin? like a flag in a hurricane.

The door?s locked - of course it is - ?cause your old lady knows your dumb ass lost the key again.

So what?s the plan?

The one window that never locks - the smallest fuckin? window in the house.

You?re out there in the dark, trippin? over your mom?s rosebush, whisperin? ?shit, shit, shit? like that?s gonna make you invisible.

Then WHAM - you smoke your head off the siding.

You freeze.

You ain?t breathin?.

You?re flatter than a raccoon on the highway, hopin? nobody heard the crash.

Five minutes later you?re belly-crawlin? to that window like you?re in a war movie, only drunker and way less heroic.

???

You start climbin? through, and the screen doesn?t stand a chance.

You rip that fucker like it owes you money.

Now you?re halfway in, halfway out, ass hangin? in the wind, soundin? like a wounded elephant givin? birth to a moose.

You finally flop into the living room and immediately kick your shoes off - straight into the coat rack.

That tip hits the table, kills your mom?s favourite vase, and you?re whisper-yellin?, ?Shhh!? ?like the furniture is the problem.

Every step on the stairs sounds like you?re walkin? on potato chips.

You?re holdin? the railing, sweatin? like a pig in July, takin? one step every forty seconds, whisperin?, ?Almost there.?

You get to the top, close your door, and let out that drunk sigh of victory. ?I fuckin? did it.?

Clothes come flyin? off.

You?re free, naked, and majestic - arms out like ?Rose? in the movie,

Titanic.

You do the perfect flop onto the bed - except it?s not your bed.

BAM!

Face-first into the goddamn floor.

Your mom switched rooms with your little sister that day.

Every light in the house comes on.

Your sister?s screamin?, ?MONSTER!?

Your mom?s yellin?, ?WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

And there you are - naked, bleedin? like a stuck pig, tryin? to explain that gravity?s a bastard.

At least they wouldn?t have ratted you out.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!