Let?s talk about hard hats.

These cheap plastic cereal bowls they strap to your skull like it?s gonna save you from the wrath of God.

Every safety meeting starts the same.

Some foreman with a clipboard and a pecker-shaped coffee mug tells you, ?Your hard hat could save your life.?

Save your life from WHAT?

A light breeze?

A gently tossed marshmallow?

Maybe a confused pigeon landing on your head and having a meltdown?

If you?re way the hell up on a bridge welding steel like you actually know what the hell you?re doing and you trip over your boot lace like a newborn deer, yeah, the helmet might save your noggin from meeting a nice sharp corner.

Sure.

Great job.

You lived through your own stupidity.

But let?s get serious.

If you?re stupid enough to headbutt an angle iron you shouldn?t even be allowed on the job site.

You should be down in the parking lot directing traffic with crayons.

Now here?s where the comedy starts.

You fall off that bridge.

Mid air.

You look over.

And your hard hat is FLOATING beside you like it?s on fuckin vacation.

It?s drifting around like ?wow, look at the view? while you?re plummeting to your doom like a sack of mashed potatoes with a mortgage.

The sticker inside says ?for head protection only.?

Buddy, your HEAD is the LEAST of your problems.

Your ass is clenched so tight you?re making diamonds.

And you already know you?re not landing anywhere soft.

No sir.

You?re heading straight for the most violent, satanic wheelbarrow ever assembled by man.

It?s full of bricks.

Boards.

Nails.

Probably a goddamn raccoon.

It looks like the devil?s yard sale.

And just to make sure the universe gets one last laugh, the hard hat lands FIRST.

Crushes your spine like a lawn chair.

Snaps every rib you?ve got left.

Folds your whole torso up into your forehead like you?re packing yourself for travel.

Then you hit the pile.

Bricks explode.

Nails fly.

The raccoon quits.

Your soul leaves your body, looks down at you, and even IT is shaking its head like ?why the hell didn?t you take accounting??

But hey.

At least you followed the rules.

You wore your hard hat!

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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