Check this out, boys.

Apparently, jumping rope is one of the best cardio workouts on the planet.

Burns calories.

Builds endurance.

Improves agility.

Tones your calves, your ass, your chest, your arms.

Your chest and arms.

From jumping over a rope.

Yeah alright.

So let me get this straight.

If I hop up and down like a caffeinated squirrel a few hundred times a night, I'm gonna get agile and build endurance.

What the fuck is endurance anyway?

Sounds like something a skinny guy invented while already in shape.

Probably wearing shorts the size of a napkin.

Tell me something.

Where exactly do I find the energy to START skipping?

Because nobody factored in the extra two hundred and twenty-two pounds

I'm hauling around like a sack of wet cement.

Have you ever tried jumping rope while your gut is beating you in the chin like it owes you money?

And how the hell does this help my chest and arms?

Is it from pushing my fat ass off the floor every time I trip over the rope and eat shit?

Because I'll tell ya.

A man can only take so much self-abuse before he taps out.

Picture this.

A chubby guy like me jumping around the basement like a fuckin reject from a low-budget boxing movie.

Five minutes in, the poor bastard is on the floor, gasping for air like a fish that fell out of the boat.

Sweat everywhere.

Enough sweat that you could drown a raccoon in it.

I'm exhausted just talking about it.

??????

Then the boss sends me a skipping rope.

Yup.

One of those skinny pink ones from the dollar store.

Pink.

Really.

Pink is not my colour.

But hey, I wasn't skipping where anyone could see me anyway.

There is something deeply wrong about a chubby guy in spandex hopping around like he's training for the Olympics.

Nobody needs to witness that.

So we give it a go.

Hell, I can afford to lose a few pounds.

Sounded fast.

Sounded easy.

Cheap too.

Cheapest exercise equipment you can buy.

You don't even need the fancy one.

Any piece of nylon rope will do if you're cheap enough.

Which I am.

And I'll say this.

We did discover that the skipping rope is the most helpful piece of exercise equipment ever invented.

Not for exercise.

For storage.

It barely takes up any space, and it works perfectly for tying that pedal bike up in the rafters of the garage.

You know the one.

The one you swore you'd ride every day.

Same place you hung the treadmill clothes rack.

Because that's what it is now.

A clothes rack.

Human nature.

We buy all this shit, use it for a week and a half, and then throw it away.

Then suddenly we're too busy.

Too busy doing what?

Watching TV.

Eating pizza.

Holding a beer.

Think of the money you'll save with the skipping rope.

Just imagine the beer and pizza you can buy with the leftover cash.

That weight bench in your basement.

Yeah, that one.

The laundry drying station.

Took up half the room and cost a bloody fortune.

They promised massive results in ten days.

What they didn't tell you is that you had to starve yourself and use it for ten days in a row.

That's why you didn't return it.

Too embarrassed to admit you never used it.

One day, you'll smash your shin on it for the last time and sell it at a flea market for twenty-five bucks.

So yeah.

???Jumping rope works alright.

Works great for hanging unused dreams from the ceiling.

And smacking yourself in the pecker when you miss a jump.

????????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

??