Sounds simple, right.

Wrong.

Because experience has taught us that ?carpenter? now means ?guy who actually knows how to fuckin build something.?

Requirements are tight, so read slowly.

Not because the words are hard.

Because you will be required to build something.

First rule.

You must be able to climb a ladder without stopping halfway up like you just unlocked a childhood trauma.

No yelling.

No negotiation.

No yelling down ?IS THIS SAFE? while already three rungs deep in regret.

Just climb the fuckin ladder.

Second rule.

You must know how to hit a nail with a hammer.

Not the thumb.

Not the floor.

Not your buddy?s knuckle while saying ?my bad.?

The nail.

If your thumb looks like it lost a bar fight with a cinder block, you are not ready for employment.

You are ready for ice and poor life reflection.

Third rule.

You must understand a measuring tape.

This includes knowing which end is zero.

Knowing numbers are not opinions.

And accepting that the tape is not lying just because it hurt your feelings.

If the tape says twelve, and you cut at ten, the tape did not betray you.

You fucked yourself.

Advanced skills will be taught on site such as cutting twice and still being wrong.

Staring at the board like it cheated on you.

Holding it up anyway saying ?nah! it?ll pull in.?

It will not pull in.

It will laugh at you.

You must also be comfortable saying ?That?s good enough? with full chest confidence while everyone else quietly steps away from your work like it might collapse emotionally.

If this job description sounds easy to you, congratulations.

You are overqualified.

We will immediately put you in charge and blame you when someone nails a beam to the wrong wall.

And you will still show up tomorrow because deep down you love the chaos.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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