Callin' It Like It Is - THE MIDNIGHT PISS MISSION

You ever wake up at 3 A.M. with your bladder screamin? louder than your ex on payday?

You?re half-drunk on sleep, shufflin? through the dark, prayin? you don?t die before you reach the toilet.

I always tell myself, ?Don?t turn on the light, you?ll wake up too much.?

Yeah, good plan - right until my bare foot finds the fuckin? dog, laid out in the hallway like a furry speed bump.

I trip, slap the wall, probably wake up the neighbors three houses over.

Then I hit the bathroom, and what?s waitin? for me?

The cat.

Not sittin? pretty, oh no - it?s laid a fresh steamin? pile right where my foot lands.

???

Ever try hoppin? on one leg in the dark while cussin? out a kitten? I

I?m doin? the fuckin? Riverdance, foot covered in something that smells like Satan?s chilli.

And of course, that little furball disappears into thin air.

Probably sittin? in the corner laughin? its whiskers off while I?m at the sink, half-frozen, washin? my foot like I just walked through the Arctic.

But let?s say the dog?s not blockin? the hallway and the cat?s takin? the night off - you still end up flickin? on the light.

?Cause try hittin? the toilet bowl in pitch black.

Yeah, good luck with that, Rambo.

You think you nailed it till morning light hits, and you realize you redecorated the wall.

Then your woman wakes up like, ?You pissed on the seat again!?

And there you are, holdin? your toothbrush like a weapon, tryin? to defend your dignity.

So yeah, screw it. I?m turnin? the light on next time.

I?ll blind myself, wake up the whole house - I don?t care.

At least I won?t be moppin? piss off the wall or steppin? in a hot pile of cat regret again.

Hell, maybe I?ll just wear a diaper.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!