Speaking of walking your dog, have you ever noticed that the second you get just far enough from the house to turn around, your bladder decides it?s time to stage a fuckin coup?

You?re fine.

You?re fine.

You?re fine.

Then BAM.

Outta nowhere.

Now you?re clenching so hard your eyes are rolling back in your head, and the end of your pecker feels like it?s gonna fuckin explode.

You can?t just duck into the bushes because there are houses everywhere.

Windows.

Porches.

Old ladies with binoculars.

And every time you think you?ve found a decent spot, here comes a car.

Slow too.

Always slow.

So you hold it.

You suffer.

You swear you?re almost home before you finally get some goddamn privacy.

You unzip.

Relief is seconds away.

And that?s when your dog decides to get involved.

Instead of minding his own business, this little bastard just stands there, staring directly at your equipment.

Not peeing.

Not sniffing.

Just gawking.

Eyes wide.

Lips licking.

Now I don?t know what?s going through his head.

Does he think it?s food?

Is he comparing size?

Is he just being a fuckin creep?

Either way, nobody likes an audience.

So you turn away from him and piss straight down onto your own sneaker.

Perfect.

And he doesn?t stop there.

No.

No.

He circles around you, like he?s trying to get a better angle.

I?m thinking, what the fuck is this dog?s problem?

I'm just trying to finish my business like a civilized human.

Is he jealous?

Is he curious?

Or is he just committed to making this as uncomfortable as possible?

Once you finally shake it off and tuck it away, you think it?s over.

Wrong.

He waits until you step aside, then steps up and starts pissing like he?s trying to outdo you.

This isn?t a competition, you little asshole.

I wasn?t challenging you.

I was just relieving myself.

Why couldn?t you piss the other direction?

Why do we need a side-by-side comparison?

We don?t need to water the whole fuckin forest.

Nobody?s keeping score.

Walking your dog is peaceful, they said.

Good for your health, they said.

Nobody warned me about bladder timing, public humiliation, and my dog judging my pecker.

??????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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