You know the type - shows up at your door with that beat-up red toolbox, pants hanging halfway down his ass like gravity gave up.

You open the door, and BAM - there it is.

The top half of his crack is staring right at you like it?s charging admission.

Looks like a slot machine that pays out in plumber?s guilt.

He waddles in, muttering about ?tight spaces? and ?bad installations,?

then tries to cram his whole body under your sink like a walrus doing yoga.

And of course, the pants slide even lower - now you?re getting a full view of last night?s chilli dinner.

You?re standing there thinking, ?For fuck?s sake, why can?t these guys wear a belt??

???

It?s like a rule ? if you fix pipes, your ass must be at eye level.

And the smell?

Jesus.

Like someone boiled army boots in old bacon grease.

He?s cursing away, tools clanging, then suddenly you hear, ?Ah shit - something?s stickin? me!?

He?s twisting, squirming, smearing those sweaty ass cheeks all over your clean floor

until he wedges himself in there like a tuna jammed in a sardine can.

Now he?s panicking - you hear him banging his head off the pipes, cupboard doors flying open, he?s thrashing like he?s being attacked by invisible bees.

You try to help by saying, ?Man, you?re really jammed in there, huh??

That was the wrong thing to say.

Next thing you know, the whole goddamn kitchen?s shaking.

He?s ripping cupboard doors off, sink?s half detached, and he?s crawling out backwards like a horror movie villain - pants down, shirt soaked, eyes wild.

The man just destroyed your entire kitchen trying to escape his own ass trap.

He finally stands up - red-faced, gasping, belt still MIA - and says, dead serious, ?Don?t worry, the cupboards had to come off anyway. Procedure.?

Procedure my ass.

You called him to fix a leak, not remodel the whole goddamn kitchen.

Now you?re standing there with sawdust on your socks, the cupboard hanging sideways, and this idiot pulling up his pants like nothing happened.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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