Callin' It Like It Is - MY FIRST & LAST TIME ON SKIS

The boys once told me, ?Don?t bother with lessons, we?ll show ya what you need.?

First mistake - you could never trust that pack of bastards.

They said, ?Just keep your feet straight, turn to the side if you wanna stop. It?s just like skating.?

Next mistake - I can?t skate worth a shit either.

So there I am, legs flailing off the chairlift, sliding around like a drunk newborn moose, and they point me at a trail called ?Explosion.?

Supposedly, the easiest one.

What the fuck are the hard ones called... ?Funeral Procession??

The boys take off, leaving me there in front of a lineup of snot-nosed kids waiting for me to go.

No way was I gonna look like a chicken shit.

So I pushed off.

I swear I hit 125 miles an hour instantly.

Half the time I wasn?t even touching the fuckin? snow - I was just levitating in sheer terror.

People were yelling, ?Turn! Turn to the side!?

Yeah, did you ever try to ?turn to the side? going 125 down a vertical cliff?

I hit the snow like a fuckin? bulldozer.

Took out seven spruce trees, two frozen hay bales, and ended up in a damn tree with no boot, my pants down, and my ski jammed up my ass.

Pretty sure one of my eyeballs was rolling around in the snow beside me.

I couldn?t move.

I wanted to die right there.

The boys thought it was ?awesome.? Awesome, my ass.

If I could have moved, I?d have kicked the living shit out of them.

So yeah,

I?ll leave skiing to the pros.

From now on, you?ll find me in the lodge, drinking beer.

At least the only thing I can fall off in there is a chair - not the fuckin? sky.