I?d been tellin? myself for years, ?I?m gonna join martial arts.?

You watch those guys on TV and it looks so friggin? easy.

Flip, kick, hi-ya - boom, badass.

I got so wound up after watching a couple classes that I?d go home karate-chopping the furniture like Bruce Lee on crack.

Only problem?

Coffee tables don?t block - they just break your knuckles.

And the bathroom door?

Let?s just say my half-ass roundhouse almost knocked out all my front teeth.

But I finally do it.

I buy the outfit, walk into my first class, chest puffed up like the heavyweight champ.

I?m ready to throw down.

Instead?

Push-ups.

Sit-ups.

Jumping jacks.

What the fuck is this, Richard Simmons in a gi?

I didn?t come here to sweat my tits off, I came to learn how to fight!

Then in waddles the head instructor.

Little fella, maybe 100 pounds soaking wet.

Looked like he?d blow away in a stiff breeze.

And who does he pick for his big demonstration?

Me.

The 300-pound gorilla in the room.

I?m thinkin?, this guy?s about to be a grease spot on the mat.

He tells me to swing at him.

I go easy on the little fella - didn?t wanna snap him in half.

BAD mistake.

Before I could blink, this dude?s booted me in the chin four times, slapped my ear, twisted my arm like a pretzel, and WHACK - right in the bag.

I didn?t even touch him.

Felt like I got plowed by a fuckin? train.

??????

Now I?m pissed.

He turns his back to talk to the class, and I figure, oh yeah, you?re mine now, buddy.

I charge at him at a full gallop, head down like a bull in heat.

This little bastard spins around - Kicks me in the chest.

A couple more shots to the chin.

Then pokes me in the eye.

Down I go again, laid out flat, moaning like a schoolgirl who lost her lunch money.

That was it.

I quit right there on the spot.

???He turned me into a fuckin? pancake in front of everybody.

Forget martial arts.

From now on, I?ll just run my mouth and talk my way out of fights.

????????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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