Alright, let?s go full roast.

You sports fans are fuckin? ridiculous.

You?re sittin? in your stained recliner with a beer gut that looks like it?s smuggling twins, screamin? at the TV like you?re about to get drafted.

Relax, champ - the only draft you?re seein? is the one pourin? into your glass.

You yell at million-dollar athletes: ?CATCH THE BALL!?

Meanwhile, the only thing you?ve caught in ten years is diabetes and a yeast infection from that couch cushion you haven?t washed since Y2K.

You think runnin? to the fridge burns calories?

Buddy, you?re huffin? and puffin? like a bulldog just checkin? the mail.

And the shirtless logo-paintin??

Holy fuck.

???

Nobody in the stands needs to see your gut lookin? like a trampoline with a spray paint job.

You stand up, your pants slide down, and BOOM - now we?re all lookin? at your ass crack eatin? your underwear like a hungry gopher.

Congratulations, you?re officially the halftime show.

Worst part?

You think the players give a shit about your advice.

You?re shoutin? like ?RUN FASTER!? when the last time you ran was when McDonald?s stopped servin? breakfast at 11:01.

News flash, tough guy: you?re not the coach.

You?re a fuckin? background sound effect nobody asked for.

So sit down, shut your pie hole, and let the athletes do the work.

And for god?s sake, stop screamin? during commercials.

We all know you?re just hopin? Baywatch comes on so you can drool into your nachos.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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