Callin' It Like It Is - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!

So me and a buddy head up to the local junkyard to grab a rear end for his truck.

He ?forgot? to check the rear-end grease - translation: he?s a dumbass.

When that thing runs dry, it?ll go for a bit, then BANG - feels like God himself just slammed the brakes and said, ?Nope, you?re walkin?, buddy.?

Now picture this: it?s hotter than Satan?s armpit, and the black flies are out for blood.

You can?t even blink without one trying to fly up your nose.

He?s wearing these big dark blue coveralls that look like they were made for a parade float.

He?s swimming in them, sweating like a pig in a sauna, bitchin? the whole time.

We?re crawling under this greasy old truck, tools slipping, sweat dripping, flies biting - it?s pure hell.

Then outta nowhere, he shoots out from under the truck like a bat outta hell.

I?m thinking, Oh great, he sliced his arm off or lit himself on fire.

I crawl out and yell, ?Where the hell are ya??

From the woods, I hear him holler back, ?I?m havin? a shit!?

Perfect.

Just leavin? me to roll around in the dirt like a mechanic raccoon while he?s fertilizing the forest.

Anyway, we get the job done and toss the rear end in the truck.

We?re driving home, and suddenly this ungodly stench fills the cab.

Like roadkill dipped in diarrhea and left in the sun.

I think maybe there?s an old sandwich rotting under the seat.

I just stare straight ahead, too tired to care, praying my nose dies.

We finally get back, crack open the door, and that smell follows us inside.

I start sniffing my armpits, my boots, even my damn drink can.

???

Then the idiot peels off his coveralls?

And holy mother of mercy - there?s shit.

Not just a little.

From his neck to his ankles.

Leaves.

Twigs.

Mud.

He must?ve dropped that load in his own coveralls and then pulled ?em back up like nothing happened.

This man spent the whole damn day rollin? around under a truck, sweating in his own personal septic tank.

My appetite packed its bags and left.

I told him, ?I?ll help ya tomorrow,? and bolted before I redecorated his yard with puke.

?????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!