Here?s a job I wouldn?t touch with a ten-foot pole...the car salesman.

The most annoying, overconfident, useless son of a bitch in any parking lot.

You know the guy - struts over like he owns the dealership, wearing a suit shinier than a bowling ball and a grin that screams ?commission.?

You barely stop your car, and he?s already eyeballing your trade-in like it?s a stray dog he?s about to sell you back.

He doesn?t even look at the car you came for - oh no - he?s already hyping up the one beside it.

Like, buddy, I can read. The price is in the fuckin? window.

I came here to buy a car, not to have a motivational speech about financing options.

And these clowns? half of ?em don?t know jack about what?s under the hood.

Ask ?em where the exhaust comes out - they?ll point to the glove box.

Say ?what?s the horsepower?? - they?ll start telling you about cup holders.

Next time you roll into a dealership, do yourself a favour: pop the hood, ask what part that is, and watch him sweat like he?s on trial.

He?ll disappear faster than your paycheck on payday.

Me? I like screwing with ?em.

I?ll pull up, let him do his big sales pitch - then I?ll say, ?Oh, I was actually looking at the truck way over there.?

Nothing better than watching his soul leave his body while you sit there grinning.

Bonus points if it?s raining - they?ll stand out there in their shiny loafers soaking like wet pigeons while you?re cozy in your car with the window cracked just enough to make ?em think you might listen.

????

And let?s be honest - the car sells itself.

That guy didn?t sell you shit.

It?s like a painting - you buy it because it hits you, not because someone fed you a line about the ?aerodynamic form? or ?bold stance.?

You liked it the second you saw it.

End of story.

So hand me the damn keys.

I don?t need a TED Talk about ?sleek body design? or ?innovative comfort.?

If I didn?t like the look of it, I wouldn?t be standing here.

And for the love of God, stop calling me five hundred times after I leave.

If I wanted to buy it, you?d already know.

We?re not playing phone tag - we?re playing ?stuff that car up your ass and drive it yourself.?

??????????????...and that's callin' it like it is!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Canadian artist & digital troublemaker Colin John Cook shares his louder-than-life, awkward, and honest-as-hell stories. Packed with humour, real talk & creative insights in a no filter, digital comedy space that laughs at life & calls it like it is. He is also the Founder and President of

The Hidden Gallery - Art Studio & Micro Theatre

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